a short(ish) God story

forever becoming

A short(ish) God story.

I’ve been writing some version of this since 2015 but the journey really started in 2005. I value the chance to revisit this yearly, and revise, reconsider, and update. With the twists and turns of life, some things make more sense in the rear-view mirror.

When I was little, I went to church and Catholic school and other such stuff. I really believed that the stories of mystery, magic, and miracles were true. But those weren’t talked about and, in fact, talking about those too much, and some things even at all, could get you in trouble. One day, I felt the mystery and literal presence of God. Only once. And no one else seemed to notice, or care. But it was profound, and it stuck with me.

I continued with church through college but by the time I left college, I was pretty disillusioned with church, and the people of the church. Especially the leadership of the church. There was much more talk about who was doing what wrong than there was about the mystery of love. And the rules. Oh my gosh, the rules.

A few decades later, my life looked pretty good on the outside but was crumbling on the inside. In the midst of this, I got chased by the hound of heaven. I found that what I was seeking was also seeking me. The spirit of God completely blew up the box I had God in. I experienced mystery after mystery, and love beyond explanation.

Just as importantly, I learned how to recognize the spirit, to be open to miracles and mystery, to sense the heart of love, to hear from that small still voice deep inside, and to trust that guidance.

But religion. Ugh. It felt like a game of shame, blame, judgment. Still too much focus on who was right and who was wrong, who was in and who was out. And too many people I care about were ‘out’. Especially in the spirit of politics, patriarchy, and prosperity that passes for religion in many places today.

The subtle, and not-so-subtle, sexism and misogyny threaded through so many messages began to chafe, and then wake me up and see the marginalization of others as well.

I also began to see the disconnect between the church claiming to be the victim (we’re being persecuted), while creating so many true victims through abuse, toxic cultures, and greed.

After a series of churches (and church fiascos), I left the church again. I’m sure you could see that coming.

At this point, I didn’t know what I believed. But I knew I needed to let myself be open to the possibility that my perceptions of God might need some serious overhauling. And, while it was a lot easier when the bar was ‘do church’, I realized that the answers for me were not going to be found in a church.

I set off on a quest to find the divine. To meet with the mystery. To connect with the source of my own essence.

I had more than one foundation-shaking existential crisis. Several dark nights of the soul. When you question deeply, you question everything. When one area loses its certainty, the inner earthquake can bring down long held beliefs … and everything attached to those beliefs.

On this quest, I realized that I am a mystic. A contemplative. A seeker. Someone in love with the love of the divine.

I began to find this love more often in places and with people I’d been warned about. I found this love in the moment-to-moment ordinariness of day-to-day life. I've reconnected with the wind, trees, and birds. I stopped being afraid of stepping into the feminine side of the divine. I bumped into, and then fully embraced, the energy world of tai chi, qigong, Reiki, and the metaphysical. I accepted that I’m a channeler for wisdom from beyond myself. While I don’t really understand the mystery of channeling, I recognize deeply that, through this, I come home to myself, my heart, and love. Meditation introduced me to the interconnectedness of all life. My intuition and deeper listening have continued to grow. In pursuit of mystery and love, I continue to find the divine nature.

I recently realized to the depths of my core that I am spirit, and I am part of this divine nature. I might have written something like that before, but it came home to rest in my body as a felt sense. The knowing is different than when it was just in my mind.

I became one of those people that I used to warn people about. I find that I like myself a lot more on this side of the fence.

I spent years being angry with ‘church people’ in general, and built some walls of separation to help protect myself and to give me time to heal. I still remain impacted by the harsh dissonance of various church agendas, but I find myself now honoring and valuing those, including outspoken ‘church people’, whose practice and words align in love.

My beliefs continue to get simpler and simpler. Love is the essence of me and the essence of you and the essence of this universe. I am loved. Love connects us … if we let it.

Out of that love, I love others. Or at least I try to. Most days. Well, at least some days.

There is still a gap between the person I want to be and the reality of how I show up. But as the truth continues to seep into me and emerge from within me, I feel that gap continues to shrink.

Love is always waiting. Love is.

There’s a huge freedom in love.

But the cost is huge too and love works both ways. Some days it can be very hard to love. Some days it can be very hard to be loved. Regardless, love is there in the gap.

Just like I believed as a little kid, I’ve relearned that love is indeed the place where mystery, magic, and miracles do occur.

And yet, I see too much of our world running from love, instead moving forward in fear. Moving forward to isolate and ‘other’; to diminish and control; to force beliefs. An invasive pandemic resulting in trauma and PTSD.

Too much of our world is disconnected from mystery and wonder and the beings of the natural world, this planet that we call home.

Our world needs peace. Not just the ‘absence of war’ sort of peace (although we do need that too) but the peace that springs from the heart and the soul.

Love is the gateway to that peace.

And in this peace, true freedom can be found. The freedom to be who you came here to be.

Well-wishes upon your own journey and the path to your heart.

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Openings for integrative craniosacral therapy (iCST) at the Psychic Wellness Fair on Saturday July 12. These are 20 minute sessions for $25 and, unlike regular sessions, charges your card upon registration. I can only schedule for my calendar, not for others, but I will forward an email with direct links to others so you can set up a mini-spa day if you like! Openings:

12:30pm

2:30pm

3:30pm

4:00pm

4:30pm

Details and process:

The following processes apply:

• You are already a client of The Reiki Center and have a credit card on file.

• You are able to commit to the session time. I cannot ‘hold/reserve’ sessions.

• Reiki Center no-show / late cancellation fee policy remains applicable.

• For regular appointments please schedule through The Reiki Center website or call the center.

I will respond as quickly as possible to confirm the availability and booking. However, there are times when my phone is on airplane mode (e.g. during sessions), so please allow time for a response or call The Reiki Center.

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